


Picking up the Pieces

by Andromedabrown, GalacticDreamer, ParvumAutomaton



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Angst, Character is assumed to be dead but that may not be the case, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromedabrown/pseuds/Andromedabrown, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalacticDreamer/pseuds/GalacticDreamer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParvumAutomaton/pseuds/ParvumAutomaton
Summary: It was supposed to be an easy mission. In, check on some weird readings for Donnie, and out. But the Hidden City Police had a different idea, and Leo's sword shattered mid teleport.He never reappeared.His brothers were left with a shattered family that they struggled to put back together.Life goes on. But sometimes, the ghosts of the past cannot be ignored. And sometimes, those ghosts are not ghosts at all.The journey to reassemble their family will be longer than any that they have ever attempted before. But even isolated, a Hamato is never alone.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 68





	1. The lair is empty

“ _Halt right there.”_

_Raph skidded to a stop, planting himself between his brothers and the large contingent of Hidden City police. Raph knew they were technically still wanted because of that whole prison break thing, but Draxum wasn’t even with them, and they should have been far enough away from the city to not attract attention._

_But apparently they did. And now all that being far from the city meant was that they were alone in a large rocky field with no place to run and no place to hide. There was only one option left._

“ _Officers—” Raph said, his voice pitching up at the end of the word._

“ _We haven’t done anything wrong,” Leo cut in, climbing up Raph’s shell and leaning over his shoulder to make his point without leaving the safety his older brother provided._

_The head officer narrowed his eyes and pointed at Leo._

“ _You helped Baron Draxum escape and stole from the patrons at the Hirsute Resort and Spa.”_

“ _I was framed,” Leo gasped, one hand held to his chest as he leaned back as far as he could without falling off of Raph’s shell._

“ _You also helped notable pirate Capitán Piel escape and steal from a charity auction.”_

_Leo shrugged, and with a nervous laugh said, “I did do that.”_

“ _Leo,” Raph said, reproach evident in his voice._

“ _What?” Leo asked, dropping to the ground. “It was being held by Big Mama. Besides we saved the world from the Shredder. We’re heroes of humanity and Yokai-kind. Is it yokai kind or yokai-jin or just yokai?”_

“ _Enough,” Donnie cut off Leo’s musing, and pushed in front of Raph to stare down the officers. “We are here investigating weird mystical energy that could prove to be a future threat. And you dumb-dumbs want to waste our time with this?”_

* * *

The pot’s lid came off with a small clink, heat escaping in a rolling puff of steam as it hit the cooler air, revealing a layer of white rice. Without another thought, Raph scooped some in a bowl and replaced the lid, before opening and rummaging through a nearby drawer, easily fishing out both a lighter and a pack of incense sealed in a ziploc bag.

The drawer slid shut with a dull thud. Raph turned and exited the kitchen. 

* * *

_Raph heard the grinding sound of metal hitting metal._

_The sound was distant. But the second he heard it, it was the only sound that mattered._

_Far, far, above the battlefield he could see smoke from one of Donnie’s battleshell’s rotors. The smoke provided a record of the chaotic path as Donnie dipped and spun in uncontrolled circles._

_With each foot Donnie sank, Raph felt as though his stomach dropped twice as far._

_He left two doppelgangers fighting the Hidden City police, and raced to get beneath Donnie._

_But he was too far away._

_The police were too numerous for his doppelgangers to keep completely distracted._

_And even if he could get below Donnatello, he could no longer grow like he could with his tonfa._

_He couldn’t catch Donnie like he did Leo. All he could do was watch as his brother plummeted to the ground._

* * *

He never thought of silence as something that could be loud. Yet right now, as he stood in the middle of the lair, it was deafening.

For a moment, Raph stopped in his tracks, suddenly hyper aware of the wrongness of it all. There should always be something, like the sounds of Mikey humming to himself, accompanied by the rattle and hiss of a spray can as he painted over the newly cemented sections of their lair. There should be the distant drone of a TV, accompanied by the occasional laughter from dad as he amused himself with the antics of a game show. There should be the sound of skateboard wheels rolling on concrete and loud whining from Leo as he lamented the loss of their skateboard ramp. And there should be something coming from Donnie’s lab in particular, if not the extra buzzes and cracks of nonstop repairs, then because there would always be something going on in there regardless— a physical sound that probably reflected the way ideas thrummed in his brother’s brain.

But there was nothing. The entire lair was hollow and stale and devoid of the life and energy that once filled every nook and cranny. It felt worse than when they returned from the aftermath of Shredder’s defeat, and saw the one place they knew as home nearly destroyed. At least then, they could still rebuild what they lost. And even if they couldn’t, they could always find another place to live. Because when it came down to it, they still had each other; and so long as they had each other, they would always be home. 

But what were they supposed to do when even that was on the verge of destruction? 

Raph shook the thoughts from his mind before finally moving along. But as he walked past Donnie’s lab, he looked in through the crack of the door against his better judgement, and faltered. 

There Donatello sat, head in his hands and a cold, long forgotten coffee abandoned at his side. His battle shell was laid out in front of him, the fixes and possible upgrades made so far once again taken apart, leaving him back at square one. 

That would mark the fifth time since the incident.

* * *

_When Mikey landed, he was still holding Donnie, one arm looped under his legs, the other wrapped around his broken but no longer burning battle shell. Raph was relieved to see them both safely on the ground. But he was sure once they got home, Donnie would grieve over his destroyed battle shell. To grab him safely, Mikey had to break the entire hovering section off._

_Donnie glared at the officers moving in fast._

“ _Is it just me, or did these guys get more competent since the last time we met?”_

“ _Didn’t they capture you last time you met?” Mikey said, his grin falling as bright pink lines formed on the ground around him. “Raph, catch.”_

_Raph reacted instantly, catching the thrown Donnie gently in his arms. A retreat order was on the tip of his tongue, and Mikey was already racing towards him._

_But when Mikey tried to pass over the pink lines, he was forcefully thrown back._

“ _Guys?” Mikey’s voice pitched up as he backed away from the officers that surrounded his cage._

* * *

There was a faint sound as Raph neared their rooms, only heard because he had been subconsciously listening for it in the first place. It led him by the heart until his hand was raised to draw back the curtain to Mikey’s room. And it was within that outstretched hand that he once again saw the pack of incense it still held, and he stopped. 

Raph stood there, hesitant and frozen as soft sobs and sniffles continued to drift out of the room. The tug at his heart was even stronger now, urging him to go in and comfort his youngest brother, to engulf him in a hug and give him a shoulder to cry on. 

But Raph didn’t. Instead, he drew in another shaky breath to steady himself, incense and lighter clenched tighter in his fist as he lowered it back to his side. He continued past Mikey’s room, one step at a time, despite how his chest felt tighter the further he drew away. 

He couldn’t comfort Mikey now. Not while holding what he was holding.

* * *

_The first weapon that hit Mikey was the hilt of a sword bouncing against his plastron. He grasped that hilt and instantly faded into blue light._

_Leo replaced him in the circle. But he only stayed there for the beat that it took for him to catch the sword Mikey returned to him and launch it past the officers._

_Leo reformed behind them._

“ _Too slow,” he laughed, cutting through the device that created the pink lines._

_The officer turned._

_Leo stuck out his tongue and threw his sword._

_A grey and pink sphere was tossed._

_Leo disappeared in a flash of blue light._

_Misty purple waves spread over the field._

_Leo’s sword skidded to a stop at Raph’s feet._

* * *

Entering Leo’s room was always the hardest part. 

A small part of Raph almost laughed at the irony of his inability to go through doorways today, but it quickly died off, leaving him with nothing but cold, heavy dread.

Nevertheless, he steeled himself. He already came this far, so he had to see this through. He was not going to let another brother down today. He stepped into the room, pushing aside the curtains. 

Some parts of the walls had been repaired, while others still had chunks of concrete missing and large cracks running along the surface. It was all still stable, of course. If it wasn’t, then it would’ve no longer been Leonardo’s room. Except Raph was no longer sure if that would’ve been a good thing or not. 

In the end, everything that was Leo had been crammed into this one small space, either kept the way Leo left it by Donnie, who would’ve wrapped the entire room in mylar if he had his way, or rummaged through by Mikey, who had simply wanted to feel closer to his older brother. 

It was like a time capsule filled with too many ghosts of the past. But this was fine. Raph expected to see all this. He expected to feel this way. After all, it was the same, time and time again. He should have been able to take all of that in stride. And perhaps he would have been able to too.

But when he entered the room, he hadn’t been expecting the faint, blue apparition standing at the other end, head bowed and shell facing towards Raph. 

Raph’s breath caught in his throat, his knees becoming weak. He blinked hard to get rid of the sudden blurred stinging in his eyes, heart swelling with a hope he couldn’t afford to feel, because it couldn’t be _him_. It couldn’t be that easy after everything they tried. And sure enough, when he rubbed his eyes and looked again, the apparition was already gone. Raph was once again alone, hope already crumbling away and leaving him hollow as he stared at the image of Leo’s smiling face.

* * *

“ _Stop.” Raph ordered, extending his arm to block Donnie’s progress._

_Donnie glared at him before shifting his focus to the sword in Raph’s hand. “We have to get to the mystic neutralizing device and disable it.”_

“ _We’re outnumbered.” Raph countered, “We have to get out of here.”_

“ _Our brother-”_

“ _Will reform when the device’s power wears off. According to dad that should only be ten minutes or so.”_

_Raph pushed his brothers backwards. He could hear Donnie hiss under his breath but neither Donnie nor Mikey fought his order._

_He knew that they would be angry with him when they got home. But he also knew that Leo would agree with the call. It was better to keep them all safe even if it meant delaying Leo’s reformation._

_Raph pushed his brothers to run. He kept his shell between them and the pursuing Hidden City Police officers. Their shouts started off close, but as they ran, Raph could hear them growing more distant._

_Still when the shouts completely stopped, it was sudden._

_Raph risked turning for a second. He worried that he’d see much more back up, or them having teleported to be right on their heels._

_Instead he saw pink and blue light swirling but not mixing._

_He saw the Hidden City Police turn and run._

_He felt Leo’s sword vibrate in his hand._

_He remembered thinking that it was a relief that the anti-mystic device had worn off so soon._

_He was wrong._

* * *

The photo on the altar had been cropped out from one of the group selfies they took when preparing to go to the Magic Town House, showing Leo sharply dressed in a black suit. Donnie’s shoulder was barely in frame as Leo used it as an armrest, his other hand raised in a peace sign. His toothy grin was so wide that his eyes were nearly shut, his entire face practically glowing with excitement.

It was the happiest Raph had ever seen him. 

He knelt in front of it, setting the items in hand down and placing the bowl of rice at the altar before glancing at the photo again. It was sharp and clear like a moment frozen in time, no doubt thanks to April spending extra money at a high end printing service.

They really should pay her back for it. In fact, they needed to pay her back for a lot of things. He offered to do so, but April had only shook her head, placing a hand on his shoulder and said that it was the least she could do. He only recognized the guilt swirling in her eyes because it was a near reflection of his own, but it only served to make him more confused because none of this was April’s fault. She shouldn’t have to feel guilty about any of this. 

After all, she wasn’t the one who messed up.

* * *

_It should have been dramatic. It should have made a sound that echoed throughout the land. But the event that took his little brother from him. It was quiet, and if Raph wasn't looking at the sword when it happened, he wouldn't have noticed the cracks._

_He wouldn’t have noticed as the metal fell to the ground._

_But he did._

_He saw the shards fall._

_He knew exactly where they landed._

_But he also saw the rapidly expanding sphere of pink and blue light._

_Raph reacted on instinct alone._

* * *

He had nightmares sometimes, though he wouldn’t ever admit it to his family. Leo would smile in some of them too. Those nightmares would always be the worst, because that smile would always radiate the faith Leo had in his older brother. It was a faith that Raphael should’ve kept closer to his chest, a faith that he would’ve sooner died than ever misplace. But regardless, it was. And in those dreams, cracks would rupture along his brother’s form as if he was made out of glass, and no matter how fast Raph ran, he could never reach Leo in time before his brother was reduced into nothing but a pile of shattered pieces.

Sometimes, it wouldn’t just be Leo. 

Raph tore his eyes away from the photo, trying to force those thoughts out of his head. He busied himself with the small ziploc bag, pulling out a stick of incense and switching on the lighter with a small click. He held the stick to the fire and watched as another small flame bloomed on the tip, and counted the seconds, one, two, then three, before gently blowing it out. Stringy wisps of white smoke swirled in the air as he stuck the incense in its holder. 

A faint, charred aroma filled the room as Raph once again looked at the altar in its entirety. The broken hilt sat at its usual spot next to the photo frame, having been placed there at around the same time. Meanwhile, his own offering of rice had not been the first today. There were others already on the altar: a small plate with a singular peach, a cup of tea, and a slice of pizza that had long since grown cold. 

“Hey, Leo,” he finally spoke, gingerly taking the photo frame into his hands, gazing at the picture behind the glass. “It’s been a while, huh? You’ve probably been waiting for old Raph to tell you what’s been going on since last we talked.” He forced out a laugh, trying to maintain a smile on his face, trying to pretend, just once, that things were a bit more okay. “But man, there’s been a lot that’s happened. I-I don’t even know where to begin.”

He stopped, if only to try and think of something to say. Something good. Leo deserved that at least.

“Oh, I got it! You know, April’s almost done with school for the year, and remember that dress you commandeered from that closing department store? Bet you thought I didn't know about that, but I do! I mean, after Mikey told me. Anyway I-I did the alterations you had talked to him about and we gave it to April like he wanted to. She wore it to prom with Sunita. Though I'm pretty sure she cried the whole time. Still, when she brings the pictures I'll put one here so you can see. She looked amazing, just like you knew she would.”

Raph took a moment to imagine Leo’s reaction to the news. “Of course she would, it’s April!” Leo would say with confidence, equal parts proud of himself for being right, and of April for continuing to be the great person she is. It’d then lead to him lamenting the idea of missing April’s shining moment, and then to him gripping onto Raph, making sure his big brother holds onto that promise. Raph tried not to think about how much his heart ached at the thought.

“Casey’s been around too,” he continued. “She actually came by again yesterday. Planted herself in the kitchen and refused to move until at least one of us went out on patrol. So, I mean, I went, and it...” 

Raph paused, his smile fading as the ache in his chest feels more like a twisting hot knife. The strong front he had been trying so hard to maintain crumbles with unsurprising ease and quickness. He heaved a sigh, letting go of it entirely.

“Oh, who am I kidding?” he muttered, pinching the space between his eyes. “Leo, it's hard. There are people out there that need help. Crime doesn't stop just because you're...” Another pause. Another moment of hesitation. “It still feels good to help them, but _pizza supreme in the sky_ , Leo, it's not the same without you or your one liners.” A watery laugh managed to bubble out of his mouth. “Yeah, you heard me, Raph misses your one-liners, and your puns"

Any levity he managed to feel was quick to die away like a smoldering ember. 

“I wanna say that I’m fine despite it all, but I think we both know that’s a lie,” he said. “I think I’ve been trying to be fine, but I don’t think it’s working that well. I-I still don’t even know if I wanna be. It just feels...wrong, to be fine with you being gone. But I also can’t help but feel like I have to be, because if I’m not, then how am I supposed to help Donnie, or Mikey, or dad? How am I supposed to keep us all together?” He hesitated, before adding in a smaller voice: “Do I even have the right to do that anymore?” 

Silence answered his question like always. But even still, Raph waited a few seconds, his gaze flickering to the broken hilt.

“You know, Donnie stopped Mikey from taking your hilt again this morning,” he said. “I'm not sure which side I should take in that, though they're both pleading their cases to me. Mikey just wants to be closer to you, but Donnie is right. The hilt is yours and it doesn't feel right to just tote it around. I just...I just wish I knew what you wanted. I just want to make everything okay again. I think we all do, but none of us are sure how.

“I mean, you’d think we’d be able catch a break, right? After everything that happened? And when we defeated the Shredder, it felt like we’d all gotten so much closer as a family, but now...now it’s all falling apart again. Not to mention dad—” 

Raph cut himself off for a moment, beak pressing into a thin line. His gaze flicked away, a debate warring in his head over his next words. But soon, he looked back at the photo and took a deep breath, his mind made up. 

“Leo, I realize you're probably taking your time fanboying over Houdini and Atomic Lad’s actor. But dad, he...he puts on a strong face for us, but Donnie's room shares a vent with his, and I can hear him when I walk by,” he confessed, words coming out in a rush. “He's not doing great, Leo. He's been trying to reach you through the Hamato ancestors, and I don't know if you can hear me here, but he'd really appreciate it if you could pick up, or have a message sent along if you ever bump into any of them. So would I, actually. I mean, maybe you already did. I thought I saw you when I came in, but I just... I need to be sure. I need _something_ that'll let me know it isn't just my mind playing tricks on me.”

Raph was back to waiting for an answer he wouldn’t receive. But even then, he stared intently at the photo, as if staring hard enough would cause the person it depicted to come back to life and talk to him. 

But nothing happened, and nobody came. 

His gaze softened. “Please?” he pleaded weakly, Leo’s image devolving into blurred, colored shapes as tears stung his eyes. “Even...Even if you don't want to appear to me, at least reach out to our brothers. They didn't do anything wrong, Leo, and they miss you so much.” 

* * *

_His hand gripped the hilt of Leo’s sword so hard, the wrapped fabric dug into the palm of his hand._

_He scooped his other brothers up effortlessly._

_His feet slammed against the ground. His lungs felt like he couldn’t get enough air. His vision narrowed._

_Raph ran faster than he had ever before in his life. He pushed himself until his legs could barely hold them and a sudden gust of wind sent them all tumbling to the ground._

“ _Where’s Leo?” Mikey’s voice cut through Raph’s exhaustion. “Where’s the rest of his sword?”_

“ _It broke,” Raph explained pushing himself up, “It fell, but we can go back and—”_

_The sight took Raph’s breath away. There was nothing left behind them. Dirt, rock, everything was gone, leaving a perfectly empty dome behind._

_The shards were gone._

_He had left his brother behind._

_Mikey and Donnie were already running but Leo._

_Leo couldn’t run._

_And Raph failed him._

* * *

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I never meant to break our family like this. But I did.” 

Raph pressed his forehead against the cold glass covering Leo’s photo as tears ran unhindered down his beak. 

“Please. I don’t know how to fix this,” he whispered, voice breaking. “Not without you.”


	2. There are Ghosts in the Lair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note from GalacticDreamer: Buckle up boys, this is the first chapter that made me sit back and think "wow, this is actually making me sad". I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm really not.

Mikey hunched over his sketchbook, using a pencil to lightly sketch the outline of his brother leaping in the air, one katana held out in front of him and his upper body slightly twisted in the way that meant he was about to throw the other. 

Wait. Would Leo still have katanas to fight with, wherever he was? 

He quickly shook that thought out of his head as he continued to draw. For the sake of the painting, Leo would have his swords. As the artist, his word was law, and his word stated that the Leonardo on this very page would be a moment of him in heroic action. It would show Leo’s good side too, because Leo deserved that much and more. 

When that was done, Mikey moved onto Leo’s face, leaning even closer as careful graphite trails became the shapes of Leo’s eyes and mask, and his confident, cocky grin, and then finishing off with his brother’s crescent markings. With that, Mikey took a breath and leaned back, surveying his work with both pride and an aching wistfulness. 

Satisfied with what he had so far, he pulled himself back in, sketching someone else in the large space he had purposefully left blank until now. After all, Leo shouldn’t need to be alone. 

The second person took form in a ninja outfit with loose flowing cloths and armored boots, hair pulled back in a long ponytail that whipped around in a way that was both elegant and fierce. Her back would be almost to Leo’s shell, and she would have eyes that were determined, but kind, because that was how Mikey remembered her. He could only hope he was doing gram gram justice as well. 

He brought out his watercolors, mixing up the perfect jade greens to color the drawing with, minding the lines as he painted. But for Leo’s, he made sure to have his green lean a bit closer to blue, with his markings being an even more apparent shade of it. After all, even as a Hamato spirit, Leonardo wouldn’t be Leonardo at all, if there wasn’t even a tiny hint of blue on him. 

Mikey sat back and let the water colors dry as he went to find his white ink. He traced all the pencil lines with it, filling in the irises as well as adding a few more highlights and action lines. Throughout it all, he idly wondered what it is they would be fighting against. Probably some giant evil spirit with four heads, tentacles, and a lot of sharp teeth. They would definitely be winning. It would probably be a really cool fight too. 

Maybe that’s why Leo never visited. Maybe he was too busy kicking some evil spirit butt with gram gram and the others, that he didn’t have time to come see them. 

Mikey faltered, if only to push down the ache swelling in him. He capped the ink and waited for it to dry until a thought occurred to him. With a grin slowly forming on his face, he gingerly gathered the painting into his hands and snuck his way to Leo’s room, stopping in front of the altar.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked at the photo. 

“Hey Leo,” he greeted in a hushed voice. “Really hope you don’t mind me barging in like this, but I thought you’d appreciate this super cool painting I made of you. Here.” He placed the art next to Leo’s photo, careful not to disturb anything that was already there. “It’s you and gram gram. It’s awesome, right? I really hope you can still see it from wherever you are.”

He hoped Leo was doing fine. He had to be, because wherever he was, and wherever he’d end up, gram gram would most likely be there too. And so long as gram gram was there, Leo wouldn’t ever be alone. He’d be okay.

But right now, Mikey really wished he could feel the same. He wished gram gram and the other ancestors weren’t the only one that could see and talk to Leo, laughing and groaning at the jokes Leo most definitely cracked.

Deep down, Mikey felt the low simmer of envy. He felt the ache of yearning. 

He ignored them both with a shaky sigh, his attention slowly dragged down to the hilt. Despite his better judgement, he picked it up, his thumb brushing against the wrappings, eyeing the place where the blade had broken off. 

“Hey, Leo? You think I could just...stay here, for a while?” he asked quietly. “I know Donnie’s gonna get mad, but it’s not like it’s his room. It’s yours.” He forced out a chuckle as he looked back to the photo. “And y’know what? If you really wanna kick me out of here, you’re going to have to come here and do it yourself. What do you say about that?”

There was no answer. Only silence.

“That’s what I thought,” Mikey said, though any cheer he forced out fell flat. Gripping the hilt tighter, he sat down on Leo’s bed, pulling up his brother’s blanket and wrapping it around himself. 

It still smelled like him, Mikey noted, his chest feeling tight as he snuggled further into the blanket’s warmth, before glancing back up at the altar.

Mikey wondered if Leo told gram gram how much they missed her. 

...

He wondered if Leo knew how much they missed him. 

* * *

When Michelangelo drifted back up into the waking world, it was to the sound of muffled shouting. His heart sank as he squeezed his eyes shut, hoping against hope to sink back down into that blissful nothingness of sleep. 

“He’s in there right now, sleeping in Leo’s bed, Raph! Leo’s bed!” Donnie could be heard saying.

Mikey grimaced, eyes cracking open at the knowledge that they were talking about him again. A small part of him felt guilty about it. He knew Donnie never liked it when he touched Leo’s stuff. But at the same time, he couldn’t understand why. Everything in this room was filled with traces of their brother— proof of his existence and the memories they shared together. Why was it wrong to try and revisit them? Why was it wrong to try and hold onto as many as he could before they disappeared too?

“He’s not going to hurt anything,” Raph placated. 

“It’s Leo’s room!”

The urge to just stay in bed and block everything out weighed down on Mikey like a heavy blanket, but he shrugged it off with a small sigh, forcing himself to get up. He began to channel a bit of Dr. Feelings back into himself, preparing to break up the argument before his brothers could say anything they’d regret, and plead his case when their focus turned to him.

But then right there, with his shell turned towards Mikey, stood Leonardo. 

Mikey froze, heart stuttering in his chest. He quietly pinched himself to eliminate any possibility of this being nothing but a lingering dream. Pain bloomed on his bicep, confirming the reality of it all. 

Leo was really here. He was different from how Mikey imagined or dreamt him to be. There wasn’t a single hint of green on him. Instead, he was different shades of translucent blue, with glowing markings and stripes. 

But whatever differences there were didn’t matter, because in the end, his big brother was standing right there, focused solely on the argument happening outside.

“It gives him comfort. You know Leo—”

“No Raph, I don’t,” Donnie interrupted. “None of us do. Do you know why, Raph?”

There was silence for a moment, before Raph weakly said: “Because he’s gone.”

“ Because  _ you  _ left him behind,” Donnie corrected, and it didn’t escape Mikey’s notice when Leo visibly stiffened at Don’s words. “Because  _ you  _ insisted on separating his sword from the mystic neutralizing orb.”

“If we hadn’t run—”

“According to my calculations, there is an 87.3% chance that that explosion was caused by the separation. If we hadn’t run, they would have arrested us again. And then pops and April would bust us out. But we did run, Raph. Because you said so!”

Leo was frantically shaking his head now, trying to rush over to Donnie and Raph. But some kind of force was visibly anchoring him down somewhere, even when he was straining to pull against it, feet moving but not really taking him anywhere. 

“No, that’s not— I didn’t mean...” Raph struggled to say.

“ But you did. And because of that, no more sword, and no more Leo. So don’t you  _ dare  _ try and tell me what he’d want!”

The more Leo seemed to pull against the force, the more his ghostly form seemed to flicker. It was enough to snap Mikey out of his stupor as he sucked in a breath past the spiny lump in his throat. He clambered off the bed, gingerly approaching his brother until he was right next to him.

“Leo?” he managed to say, voice coming out in a weak croak. 

Leo perked up at the sound of his name. He turned towards Mikey, eyes a blank white, devoid of irises and pupils. For a moment, Mikey wanted to tell himself that Leo was smiling, but before he could be sure, his brother disappeared without warning.

“Leo, wait!” Mikey cried out, reaching out to the space Leo occupied just seconds ago. But it was too late. He was already gone, leaving no trace of him being there at all. 

Rapid footsteps approached the room, and Mikey turned just as Raph threw open the curtains, Donnie following just behind him. 

“What’s going on? What happened?” Raph asked, eyes immediately zeroing in on Mikey.

“I— Leo, he— I just—” Mikey struggled to speak, glancing between his brothers and where Leo just stood. 

“Easy, Mikey,” Raph soothed.

“Whatever you saw was just a dream,” Donnie added, his tone flat, but Mikey could see the concern in his brother’s eyes.

“No, it wasn’t a dream! He was here! I— he looked right at me,” Mikey insisted.

Donnie arched a brow, his skepticism visibly increasing. “If he looked right at you, then why isn’t he still here?”

“I don’t know!” Mikey stared hopefully at the space next to him, as if doing so might bring Leo back and prove he was right. That it was really real, and not a part of his imagination like his brothers seemed to believe.

“Are you sure it wasn’t a dream?” Raph piped up carefully.

“Yes, Raph! I pinched myself and everything!”

“Well,” Donnie began, and from the tone alone, Mikey knew his brother was going to refute with some scientific jargon, something that he once viewed as endearing but now only sent a spike of annoyance. “According to Sheffield psychologist, Tom Stafford, pinching yourself is actually not a great test. You can easily remember what it feels like to do so and— 

“I was not dreaming!” Mikey snapped, glaring at Donnie. “He was real. He was here. And he was listening and reacting to your argument!”

Donnie stiffened. “No,” he grounded out, glaring right back at Mikey, who bristled at the blatant dismissal.

“Yes he was!”

“No!” Donnie roared, getting right up into Mikey’s face. “Just because you want to sleep in Leo's room doesn't mean you get to do this! You don’t get to leverage our dead brother to win a stupid argument!”

Mikey’s face fell, cold horror and guilt washing over him as he realized just how Donnie was interpreting his words. “I wasn’t—”

“ Mikey,” Raph began, talking like he often did when he was trying to be stern, after one of them did something wrong. It sent a sting of betrayal, something Mikey didn’t bother to hide as he looked back at Raph, because Mikey wouldn’t  _ ever  _ do something like that and Raph should’ve known. He should’ve known better.

“I wasn’t! I swear I didn’t even think about it. I—” he faltered, looking between his two brothers and their expressions. It was then a realization slammed into him like a speeding train, air turning to ice in his lungs.

Nothing good would come from pushing this further. He knew. He could practically see the rift threatening to grow between him and his brothers if he did. Especially with Donnie.

Mikey released his breath, turning his attention to the ground as he swallowed the words he wanted to say. “No, Donnie, you’re right,” he said instead. “Even if I didn’t mean to, that wasn’t fair. So you win, I’m not gonna sleep here any more, promise.

The results were almost immediate, as Donnie slowly relaxed. “Ok,” he said, though his tone was flat, barely betraying how he truly felt. “I’m going back to my lab. I have something to work on.” With that, he left on his heel, leaving Mikey alone with Raph as an uncomfortable silence fell between them.

“Mikey?” Raph ventured.

“I never meant to hurt him,” Mikey said in a quiet voice, uncaring if it cracked near the end as a tight knot formed in his chest.

Raph let out a sigh. “I know.” 

He looked back up at Raph, meeting his brother’s somber gaze. “I really did see Leo.”

Raph stiffened, before looking away. “I miss him too, Mikey.”

Mikey frowned, feeling his hackles slowly rise again at the mistrust before he pushed them back down. “No, I—” He didn’t get to finish what he wanted to say, his words cut off when he suddenly found himself pulled into a hug.

“Come on, let's go make some rice,” Raph said. “That always makes me feel closer to—” he cut himself off, and even without seeing Raph’s face, Mikey could sense the grimace on it. “Lets go make some rice.” 

Mikey didn’t respond immediately. But when he did, it was in the form of a quiet agreement as he hugged his brother back. He proceeded to follow Raph to the kitchen, with no evidence of the hurt or bitterness stewing inside of him. 

His brothers didn’t believe him. But that was fine, even if their skepticism stung, because Mikey knew what he saw. Leo was still here, and if he was the only one who was going to have to prove it, then so be it. 

* * *

It had been a while since any of them had seen or heard from their dad. 

It was a fact that was frequently lost amongst the general melancholy and tension that clogged the air, and overshadowed by the events that sparked from it. But even then, it was there.

It wasn’t like Splinter hadn’t tried. He did, in the beginning. That much was clear. He tried so, so hard to be there for Mikey and his brothers after what happened to Leo. But it was also clear that it was wearing their dad down to the point he withdrew into his room for longer and more often, until eventually he rarely came out at all. 

Mikey remembered how much it saddened him in the beginning, but despite how much he didn’t want it to, it had become part of a new norm, the same way the tense relationship and arguments between Raph and Donnie became a new norm too. 

It was just another reason to not like this new ‘normal’ that was being created in their home.

But, just because Mikey had grown used to it, it didn’t take away the relief he felt upon finding Splinter in the kitchen one evening. Except even that shriveled when he saw his dad nursing a cup of tea that wasn’t even steaming, eyes staring ahead and through what had been placed across from him.

“Dad?” 

At the sound of Mikey’s voice, Splinter turned to him, the haze in his eyes immediately clearing.

“Oh, Orange!” Splinter said, perking up at the sight of him. “You must really be working on your stealth. I almost didn’t hear you come in.” 

Mikey continued to stare at him, gaze only breaking away to take a quick glance at something, a painful sadness surging over him at the sight of it.

“Dad...”

“Do not worry about me, Orange,” Splinter responded, seizing the chance created by Mikey’s hesitation. “I was simply taking the time to enjoy a nice, hot cup of tea.” He made a show of drinking from his cup, visibly trying to hide his disgust when he realized it had long since gone cold. 

Mikey only pressed his beak into a thin line, hands wringing as he debated whether or not to address how Leo’s mug was sitting right across Splinter’s. 

“Anyways, you are right on time! I have been meaning to ask one of you for photos.”

“Photos?” Mikey echoed.

“Yes,” Splinter replied, before hesitating. “Of...Leonardo.” 

It took a second for his words to wrap around Mikey’s head. “Oh,” is all he could think to say in the end.

“ It has come to my attention that...I do not have enough. I did not  _ take  _ enough.” A rueful, regretful look flashed across Splinter’s eyes when he said that, but it disappeared so quickly that someone who didn’t know any better might’ve thought it was a trick of the light. “But you and your brothers, you are always together, and you are always on those pesky phones! Especially Purple! Surely you must have—”

“Ohmigosh yes!” Mikey gasped, exaggerating as much excitement as he could. He practically leapt onto the chair next to Splinter’s, his phone already pulled out. 

“You sure came to the right turtle, dad! Because I practically have the most photos out of anyone!” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Well, actually, I think that title goes to Donnie. But, I’m definitely the one with the best pics of the bunch!” 

Mikey decided not to mention how most of those were from Donnie as well, as he typed in his passcode to unlock his phone, immediately heading to the photo album. He put his phone between the two of them, so Splinter could watch as he scrolled through his gallery. 

“Okay okay, so first of all,” Mikey said as he tapped on one of the earlier photos. It was a selfie taken by April, angling the camera so that both he and Leo were in frame with her, while also showing the Stock & Shop in the background. April’s arm had been hooked around Leo’s shoulders, while Leo’s had been hooked around Mikey’s, using his other hand to give April some bunny ears. They were all smiling widely, though Mikey could recognize his own nervousness reflected back through the screen, his own hands tightly clutching his ghost vacuum. “So you know how I used to watch those videos on can stacking, right?”

“You watched videos of people stacking cans?” Splinter asked, bewildered.

“Yeah, but that’s like, a whole other rabbit hole. Anyways, there was this one that featured this creepy ghost called the Gumbus. You should’ve seen it, dad. It spooked me so much that I would’ve had nightmares about it for weeks! But Leo was a total non believer in ghosts, so he, April, and I decided to go and check to see if the ghost was a real thing.

“It was like a whole episode of Scooby Doo! We saw the Gumbus, or at least what we thought was the Gumbus, but it turned out to be this robot thing made by Stockboy— this dude who helped stock the shelves and made the coolest can-stacking videos—”

Splinter suddenly burst out laughing. “Wait wait wait! His name is Stockboy,  _ and  _ he worked as a stock boy?” he managed to ask before dissolving into another fit of laughter.

Mikey began to laugh as well. 

“I know right? We were all thinking the same thing when he told us that!” he answered. “But yeah, turns out he did all that for some more subscribers and donations or something? He went on this huge rant about people watching his content for free. You should’ve seen Leo when he realized he was right about the ghost thing all along. He rubbed it in my face for days after that.”

He became quiet for a moment, memories of phony ghosts suddenly interweaving with the skeptical looks from Raph and Donnie. What came after was a tight and cold feeling, made by the fear of possibly being wrong about another ghostly matter— one that hit much, much closer to home this time. He quickly shoved that feeling into the ‘never think about’ corner of his mind, locked securely in an imaginary vault so that it’d never make itself known again. 

“Anyways, before we even broke into the store, April wanted us to take a selfie to, you know, celebrate our first ever attempt at ghost busting,” Mikey continued, maintaining the smile on his face before it could slip. He swiped his finger on the screen, moving onto the next photo. 

Splinter leaned closer to the screen. “Aha! I know this one! I’d recognize those outfits anywhere!” he exclaimed, staring at the photo of all four of them posing and decked out in their costumes. It was taken in the aftermath of their gig at Albeartoland.

“Oh yeah! We never really told you what happened, huh?” Mikey replied, looking at the scattered robot parts laying in the background. “It was a total disaster at first! Albearto came back—“

“Who is this ‘Albearto’?” 

“Oh, well it started as this old robot bear from this pizza place April used to work at, but then Donnie tried to fix it and it ended up trying to take over humanity.” 

“Ah, another one of Purple’s schemes. I should have known.” 

“Yup! So like I was saying, Albearto came back and started creating an army from the other Albearto’s at the park, which drove away all of our adoring fans! But luckily, they seemed willing to watch us perform instead.” Mikey’s grin grew wider. “We absolutely killed it, by the way. Our tunes were so good that it literally destroyed all of them!” 

“Of course you did,” Splinter agreed. “ _But,_ now that you had such a great debut, perhaps you might reconsider adding another member this time?”

“Hm, not sure. We haven’t really thought about doing another gig. And if we did, any applications would have to go through the big man again.” The big man obviously being Raph, the literal big man. “But I can definitely put in a good word for you!” 

_We’re down a member anyways,_ was a cruel, horrifying thought that somehow whispered in the back of his mind, before Mikey immediately went to set it on fire and lock its ashes in that same, secure vault. He would not think about it like that. He refused to. 

He quickly went back to the gallery, eyes scanning for another photo. 

“I took this one at the Run of the Mill,” he said, sharing another selfie he secretly took, showing Hueso chewing both Leo and him out in the background. They were both still wearing waiter uniforms, and what little of the restaurant that could be seen was in tatters. 

“That was a crazy night too. Hueso asked us to help out in his restaurant, but it turns out he did a goof and accidentally set up these meetings with these two rival mob bosses at the same time! Leo and I ended up getting super competitive with each other, but in our defense, they were also paying us with these tiny unicorns, like this one there!” Mikey pointed to a tiny unicorn still in frame, gnawing on one of the booth seats. “You gotta believe me when I say they were probably the most precious things in the whole world! We managed to smooth things over in the end, but we _might’ve_ also made a mess out of Hueso’s restaurant? That’s why he’s looking so angry here. But it’s fine, because he wasn’t actually too angry about it. Probably.” 

They hadn’t seen Hueso in a while, now that Mikey thought about it. Briefly, he wondered if the skeleton man missed them. They really should pop into his restaurant at some point, because Hueso’s pizza was good pizza, and Leo was sure to miss it. 

Mikey liked Hueso too. They all did, and he’d like to think that Hueso liked them back. If there was anyone else who probably deserved to know what happened, it would be him.

The problem was, Mikey wasn’t sure if _he_ was ready to be the one to tell him. 

“And when was this one taken?” Splinter spoke up. He had already switched to another photo, this time showing his brothers, April, and him posing around a frozen ghost bear, a staff standing tall with all their scarves waving proudly in the breeze like a rainbow flag. 

“Late last year. It had snowed a lot on the surface, so we all decided to have a snow day,” Mikey explained. 

“And why is there a...” Splinter squinted, “a bear, frozen like a popsicle behind you?” 

“Oh that’s Ghost Bear. Y’know, Raph’s wrestling idol. Except he got bit by an oozesquito at some point and became a literal ghost bear. He tried to ruin our snow day and even destroyed our Jupiter Jim snowman! So we turned him into our replacement snowman instead. There was also this huge thing where we couldn’t agree on which flag to use, because April and Donnie absolutely refused to admit that our movie was the best. But in the end, we all decided to use our scarves as a flag.” 

“I see. Well that explains where all your scarves went.” 

“Ha, yeah. I guess we all just forgot to bring them home, huh? But at least they got to live out their final days being Jupiter Jim’s flag,” Mikey replied, staring fondly at the image. 

Suddenly, a realization crossed his mind as Splinter’s words at the very start of this entire conversation finally caught up to him.

“Oh wait. Aw darn!” Mikey groaned, smacking his forehead. “Sorry dad. I instantly got so caught up in story mode that I forgot I was just supposed to just be giving you some pics,” he said sheepishly. 

Splinter frowned. “Why are you apologizing? I never told you to stop, did I?” he asked, before turning his attention back to the phone’s screen, his gaze becoming soft in a way Mikey never saw before. “It is true that I only wanted the photos at first, but it’s through listening to your stories that I’ve realized they would be meaningless if I do not know of the memories they hold.” 

Without even meaning to, a huge smile began spreading across Mikey’s face again. A warm feeling bloomed inside of him, comfortable and relieving like the moment one pressed their cold hands against a mug of hot cocoa.

“Now then,” Splinter said, switching to a different photo. “How about telling me what happened here?” 

And so Mikey did, with great enthusiasm. He pulled up photo after photo, telling the stories of the adventures they’ve had with as much grandeur as he could achieve, answering any questions Splinter would ask while he did, and bouncing back any commentary his dad would supply. He talked and talked and laughed whenever Splinter laughed, even when his throat was starting to feel more and more like sandpaper from how much he was using it. It didn’t matter at all. Mikey could care less if all of this resulted in him destroying his own voice, because this was the happiest he had ever seen his dad in so long. 

And for one, blissful moment, it became easier to pretend things were right with the world. 

Except, then, something else began to happen. A shift towards something that wasn’t the happy place Mikey had been hoping to preserve. It showed in the way a shadow slowly but surely fell over Splinter’s eyes, and in the way an invisible burden formed on his shoulders, weighing down on him more and more with each tale that Mikey spun. It showed in the way his dad’s laughter started sounding forced, until it just became sparser and sparser...

Until eventually, a story had been met with nothing but contemplative silence, as Splinter stared forlornly at Leo’s mug. 

“Dad?” Mikey tentatively spoke as a cold, dreadful wave of deja vu washed over him. 

“Have I been a good father, Orange?” Splinter asked.

It was less the question and more the tremor in Splinter’s voice that really got to Mikey. It was a noise of utterly fragile vulnerability that struck him straight through his heart like a harpoon, and left him unable to draw in air. 

“What...” Mikey swallowed, and with a louder voice, he said, “Wh-What are you saying?! Of course you have!”

“ And yet, it is clear how little I’ve been in your lives. There is no need to lie to make me feel better, my son. I know I hadn’t been the best father to you four in the beginning,” Splinter sighed. “I had always meant to make it up to all of you. I thought I would have the  _ time _ , but even then, when you four would’ve needed me, I wasn’t there. And now....” 

He trailed off, not wanting to finish that thought. Instead, he took a breath as if he was bracing himself for something. 

“Perhaps...” he hesitated. “Perhaps, that is why your brother never appeared when I called out to him. Perhaps he had been angry at me for this, or—“

Mikey moved without even needing to think, wrapping his arms around Splinter and squeezing him in a tight hug.

“Don’t say that. Please, please don’t ever say that,” he pleaded, voice breaking. “You’re not a bad dad! You’re the best dad in the whole world, a-and Leo wouldn’t do something like this! you know he wouldn’t. Not if he had a choice.”

Splinter didn’t respond. Instead, what followed was a long moment of silence, and throughout it all, Mikey wondered what could be going through his dad’s mind. 

But Mikey didn’t dare let go of him. He didn’t dare pull back to see what kind of expression was on Splinter’s face. Right now, dad felt too much like broken pieces of porcelain that were only being held together by Mikey’s arms, and loosening his hold for even a little bit would cause him to fall apart. 

And maybe, if Mikey held on tight enough, he wouldn’t fall apart either. 

“You know, sometimes...sometimes I think what happened that day was my fault too,” Mikey confessed, feeling the way Splinter stiffened. “Mind Mikey is— he’s mean like that sometimes. He tells me if I hadn’t been stupid enough to get myself trapped, then Leo wouldn’t have had the need to teleport. He wouldn’t have been caught by the neutralizing field, and none of this would have happened.”

“Michelangelo—“

“I think it’s the same for you,” Mikey continued before Splinter could protest. “And maybe for Raph and Donnie too. But that Mind Us is wrong. Nothing about this is anybody’s fault. Not yours or mine, or Raph’s or Donnie’s.” He took a shuddering breath. “Everything already hurts enough as it is. We don’t need to make ourselves hurt even more.”

There was a moment of stunned silence. But eventually, Mikey felt tension leave his dad’s body.

“Okay,” Splinter breathed out as he slowly hugged Mikey back. “Okay.”

They stayed like that for a long minute, with no more words exchanged between the two. And just as quickly as the moment came, it was over, with Splinter pulling away from the hug. His eyes were still dim, and an invisible burden still clung to his shoulders, but it all seemed...better. Or at least, Mikey hoped it was better.

“It’s late,” Splinter said. “I think it’s time we go to bed.” 

Mikey glanced at the clock on his phone. Sure enough, 12:00 was displayed on the screen. He wondered how long they had really been sitting here. He hadn’t checked the time beforehand. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Mikey agreed, though there was a part of him that didn’t believe his own words. It felt like their conversation shouldn’t really be over yet, like there was something else he was supposed to say. An unspoken truth whose presence weighed heavily on his mind. 

“Michelangelo?” Splinter spoke, drawing Mikey out of his own head. It was almost surprising, hearing himself be called by his full name not once, but twice in such a short time.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, for everything,” he said, voice thick with sincerity. “And...I don’t think I say this enough, but I love you. All four of you.”

The warmth was back in Mikey’s chest, eyes stinging with tears as a bittersweet happiness overflowed his entire being. 

“I know,” he replied. “We love you too, dad.” 

Splinter smiled, but there was a noticeable regret in his eyes that Mikey could easily recognize. It was a regret of not saying it more, of not saying it sooner, and the possibility of never being able to say it to a certain someone ever again. 

Memories of a blue ghost with blank white eyes flashed through his mind. The urge to tell Splinter the truth surged forth, stronger than ever. 

“Dad, you know,” Mikey spoke up without thinking. “About Leo, I...” 

He stopped, hesitating as Splinter stared at him with full attention. Doubt began to creep in, slowly choking out that need to tell. 

_ Now wasn’t the right time _ , it whispered over and over in his head. 

“The pictures of him,” Mikey said instead, smile still plastered on his face. “I’ll go ahead and send them to you later.” 

Splinter almost looked surprised at that, as if he had forgotten that previous point of conversation. But then his gaze softened.

“I’d like that,” he said. And then he was gone. 

Mikey waited a few more minutes before giving a small sigh, resting his head on his arms as guilt and indecision weighed heavily on him.

“What am I doing?” he muttered to himself. Why did he have to say anything, only to change his mind? It felt...wrong to keep something important like that from dad. But at the same time, it didn’t feel right to say something like that now, on top of everything else that had been laid bare. 

_ And it isn’t like he’d believe you. Raph and Donnie didn’t _ , a small, bitter part of Mikey reminded, causing him to grimace. He quickly shoved that thought out of his head. 

His eyes landed on the abandoned blue mug sitting across from him, once again forgotten by the flow of the conversation. He stared at it, as if staring long enough would cause his brother to appear in front of him again. 

“What should I do, Leo?” he murmured. “What would you want me to do?”

Silence answered his question.

  
  



End file.
